Endless sigh

When I'm frustrated, I tend to prefer to clam up, not say a word and try to empty my mind and stare into nothingness.

Because the sound of my own whining or even the tone of my whiney thoughts just makes me sick.

I've had enough!

I was super irritable today. Was a bit angry with myself and the world. Even took it out on poor Maya (so sorry, Ma).

But first, some context.

A few weeks ago, I've been feeling like my jeans were getting ridiculously loose. I started monitoring my weight and weighing myself weekly. I noticed that I was 1kg lighter than I was during the previous week (I'd weighed myself after I returned from my trip because I was sure all the stair-climbing and minimal eating would have caused me to lose weight). I was a little happy, but remained guarded. From past experience, I gain and lose 1kg in a day.

The following week, I noted that my weight had dropped another by another kg. I was happy but still cautious. I went on to drop 2 more kilos in the next two weeks... and by then it was about 2 weeks ago. I was 4kg lighter than I had been in early April, and I was starting to show abs. Not all of it, just the obliques and the top 2 "packs". The last time they started to show was just after I finished my personal training package - my PT made me do lots of core exercises. Push-ups and plank were standard. Seeing them emerge again from my flabby belly pleasantly surprised me... because I hadn't done a lot of core or ab exercises since end of PT. I'd stuck to cardio and some weights. So at that point I learnt that I still could lose weight (that I wasn't really a hopeless case) and that my waist is really the trimmest part of me.

The part was baffled me most was that I didn't know what exactly was causing the weight-loss. I was starting to figure out that I was eating smaller meals (or, as my mom says, "improper meals"). And I was starting to revel that I am losing weight after all, that all the time I spent making right food choices and dragging my fat ass to gym was worth it.

Then I started plateauing. For next week or two, no weight loss.

And when I weighed myself today, I was 2kg heavier.

WHAT THE HELL?!

I was so emotional I was about to cry while standing on that damned scale and I contemplated stopping eating. Then I started getting angry. I took 1 month to lose 4kg, but just a week to gain 2kg? WTF?! After stewing in my anger for a while, I went off to the gym.

From now on I'm taking this battle against my obesity more seriously. I've started (again, I know) and food and exercise journal. And I plan to keep on working on it. There has been a turning point. Now I KNOW my body can lose 1kg/week. And I plan to keep on doing that.

THIS. IS. WAR!!!!!!

It's all downhill from here

It has finally happened.

I'm no longer an Ebay virgin.

I've always been one of those early-adopters when it comes to technology and the internet, but Ebay was something that had always baffled and intimidated me somehow. I don't really know the reason why. But it used to be that each time I go to Ebay, I would get completely lost and intimidated by all the listings that seem to scream for my attention... all them scary-looking. They all scare me because I didn't know what to do, who was selling, how was I to be sure I would get what I ordered, and what I get would match what I ordered.

Irrational, but paranoia and fears are never meant to be rational.

It was weird. I started internet banking in... whenever DBS started it. I remember still being in uni at that time. 2000? 2001? On hindsight that was even more risky compared to Ebay. I had bought things from websites by then even. Until this year, I have bought CDs from various websites, and even some... spree-like initiatives started by people whom I now consider friends, but back when I first joined them I didn't know any of them. I have even bought clothes from a couple of websites online. But never from Ebay.

Until February this year. And last week I've only made my second purchase off Ebay.

It's been small stuff, cosmetic items, lip balm - needless to say, stuff I cannot get here in Singapore. But now I'm getting hooked, damn it! Cosmetics are always tempting me (preeeeettty stuff!) and even from overseas shipping & handling costs tend to be okay because the stuff I buy are usually small. But now I keep searching for various stuff on Ebay and then the tempation to buy is so great. I feel like Kuryu Kohei, Kimura Takuya's character in Hero. Kuryu is OBSESSED with the tv home shopping network. He would watch it and buy whatever's being advertised. So his character has ended up with various home gym equipment and other useless gadgets.

It's not that bad yet for me (being jobless does limit me) but I can sense the slippery downwards slope from here. As I type this I just ran two searches on Ebay. Ooh, there's the body lotion I was looking for. Ooh, there's the DVD I'd always wanted.

And I won't blame you for this, Maya. You are squarely to blame for my obsession with beauty products, hehehe.

Books from my childhood

When I was in primary school, I once won a prize in a Malay composition writing competition. My prize was an Enid Blyton book, The O'Sullivan Twins. I devoured the book, only to be slightly disappointed that my introduction to the St Clare's series had been via the second book in the series. For the next few months, I hunted down the rest of the series. At my class library, my school library, the local branch of the National Library - everywhere, since I didn't have money to buy them all. I loved the series. I thought it would be fun to go to an all-girls boarding school. The next closest thing to it would be to go to an all-girls secondary school, which I did.

I saw the latest cover revamp of the St Clare's series and was a tad disappointed. See a few of them below:



They look so... kiddie! In comparison, my copy of The O'Sullivan Twins had a cover from this series:



I guess it'll be considered old-fashioned now, but I think a 9-year-old me would've considered the present covers too childish and I might not have wanted to touch them.

I felt the Malory Towers cover revamp got a better treatment. Looks like they got Nicola Slater, cover illustrator for the UK edition of Princess Diaries books, to do these covers:



In that, I think they hit the right target audience. Although Enid Blyton feels quaint compared to Meg Cabot.

I've never read Malory Towers (I know Nourol loved them). Maybe I might try now. I do have all this time now after all. I've always thought I should have the whole series of St Clare's books, and once thought I could pass it to someone (my daughter?) in the future. But children these days already have little interest in books (sadly), so I'm not even sure if the girls of the future would have enjoyed these the way I had.

Emerging

From the wise N:

..u don't need to be not holding a job to wonder what the hell u are doing in/with life... :P Just means u will be more focused on that train of thought haha

Enjoy the time to luxuriate in really pondering what you would like to do, and go for all the interviews they offer... ;)

don't fell bad about having the courage to leave a sucky life... :P

Thanks, babe. Thanks for reassuring me that I'm not crazy. To Maya & Nurul, thanks for your comments too, and for your love and care.

Had a cold all week, and was basically trapped at home trying to recover. Kinda' tired of drinking chrysanthemum tea now, but darn thing actually worked an remedying my itchy throat. But must drink it unsweetened. Hopefully this week I can start going to the gym again. If I'm not as trapped at home, I think I won't be as depressed and frustrated.

Next round of civil service application deadline - early May. Hopefully should start hearing from them after that.